hmm

friend, confidant, adviser and companion,

no more.

step by step

i know what to do. i know that i should move ahead. but the memories remain.
it's not longer a 'OMG it's a f**king hole..it burns!!' kind of pain,. it's more like 'hmm..something's missing..my ..hmm..?' kind of confusion and angst.

argh..oh well..go get busy.

chance

boy..do they slip away.

understanding

truth is i was trying since i started my Dip CC. 2008.
recent events made me slow down that path and made me depressed. i couldn't control myself and my emotions.
i tried to apply for this and that to no avail. could i have done more in view of my other commitments? yes, but i didn't. i was too focused and stressed up about something that proved ultimately a waste of my life.

late

seems like i am always too late. too late to change. too late to wake up. too late to save what i love. too late to realise my love.
fucking painful.

comfort

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

hold it

what is it worth?

when i cook for people outside, they enjoy it and are appreciative even though it's not the best food nor even close. at least they try and give comments.
when i cook for my family, they don't even try and cook their own shit to eat and go out. only my mom try and sit down to eat and talk about it.
feel so fucking unwanted everywhere. maybe tomorrow i go eat macs. at leas t i can count on the staff to smile at me when i pay.

for all the times i try to be alright and show that i am alright, i die a little more. because i am not alright and i do want to break down and leave it in pieces.
the world beacons, once again, for me to step up to fulfill it's never ending needs. to trade my time and space for some time and space in it. what little space i have inside me is already empty, what need is there for more space now?
haven't the dagger been removed? haven't it been cleansed and wounds bound? yet once more, it is torn open.
where can i give alms and say my prayers, that it will be heeded and heard?
teach me. guide me. love me.

ache

still i ache. not better as i hoped. i think perhaps some part of me want to hold on to the pain, so that i will remember the good times. i don't know.

good night and God bless.

prata

my mood is tethering on a crazy coaster ride. the ups and downs makes me want to scream. then the next moment it's a relatively smooth portion. cool. not cool.

climate change

not cool dude. get on with life. take a break. make things in your life happen. stop feeling sorry for yourself.

hope is a lie

give it up, my friend. lose hope. only then will you find God and yourself in God.

forgotten

dreams spur us on..
when days are dark..
when lights go out..
dreams of better tomorrows.
keep the fire in us going.
when all else is lost..
keep hope alive..
for if hope dies..
we die.

these are what i typed into my page header that shows up in the browser window. i think. it's been ages since this was thought out. and now, it is again significantly meaningful.

grounding

went to a different service this morning.

at first i was feeling out of place. then i was like ok, pretty alright. and at last i was relieved. the songs style is not what i would like. compared to the slow organist, it's faster and easier to sing. but i think some of the songs are not well written, compared to the old Christian songs. still they are alright, maybe i will get used to them.

 the good thing about this service is that, i find it more energetic. maybe finally i let myself think less. it is certainly not as comfortable as what i am used to, and i think it's more like what i don't like about some styles of service. but, that is not the point right?

through the sermon, which i heard online the night before, and some of the songs, i felt really touched and understood. wher i felt lost, now i feel more confident. still going to do the same stuff and go ahead with my plans, but feels more positive about stuff now.

 <3 still missing you. God bless us and keep us. Guide us and strengthen us.

can't

sleep.

eat properly.

think.

understand.

it was good to sit in church and spend some quiet time, if only for awhile.

i still feel lost. i still feel confused and not sure what i am doing. i know what i want to do and what i want to be in 5 years time. i am not smart, not careful and not confident enough to do this on my own. but who else do i have?

for sure my parents are supportive, they always have been, knowing nothing about what i do and still they do their best. i do wonder if i would end up a drug dealer given some slight chance of me talking to some of my seedier acquaintances.

some friends are really lovely and have been willing to spend some time to chat and just let me rant.

even though i don't feel it, i know God is there. He have plans for me and i know i will survive and be better, but now it's remote. when the good feeling is gone and the high is spent, faith must take a stand and be strong in the face of circumstances and doubts.

missing a companion is certainly not physical, it's very emotional and even social. knowing that no one have my back and not there to make sure what i am doing is right, no one there to talk about plans for the future. it's a gaping hole.

i know this feeling. and i am holding up much better than before. not that i feel better, it's just that i got to do what i got to do and suck it up. i can't let people down now and i can't let myself down now.

no matter how much i want to just break down and die.

break break break

Break, break, break, On thy cold gray stones, O Sea! And I would that my tongue could utter The thoughts that arise in me. O, well for the fisherman's boy, That he shouts with his sister at play! O, well for the sailor lad, That he sings in his boat on the bay! And the stately ships go on To their haven under the hill; But O for the touch of a vanished hand, And the sound of a voice that is still! Break, break, break, At the foot of thy crags, O Sea! But the tender grace of a day that is dead Will never come back to me. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

lost

more lost than ever.

why? why did it come to this..?

all at once. altogether now. how much longer can i be strong and help others? who is with me?

God. i am lost. help.

after new year's service

whiskey.

instant noodles.

me.

yay.

progress?

started doing my Diploma in Counselling some years back. did great and wanted to go on to a BSc/BA Psychology, but hit some snag.

now..done my SAT and waiting for results. meanwhile, stuck doing what i do. not that i do not like it, it's simply that the passion is not there anymore.

in anything, i believe that having some for of progression is important. it helps to maintain interest. it makes sure you are going in the right direction. it helps you to know that you are growing and learning as you age and do what you do.

now, it seems like in almost every aspect of my life, i have no progress. in some, it seems to be backsliding.

i'm so tired of fighting against something that i have no power against. i cannot change it and as i change to try to overcome it, i find that it's all futile.

it's not that i am not doing anything. it just seem that the doors keep closing as i keep trying more things.

when i was young..i didn't know about the 'path' to success in this island. i did what i wanted and did what i could. my parents also didn't know. my brothers also didn't know. now..as i looked back, i know i could be something else. something more..and something less.

i envy the young. choices still open. roads still un-tread.

yes, it is a challenging world. but for those of us who are stuck in limbo, being neither paper qualified or experienced otherwise, we are more lost.

those young, still growing and learning and the most enviable thing is that, there are so much advise and guidance available for them. it's not that everyone benefits from these, but they are there, now more than ever.

and yes, i am jealous. even, in some measure, bitter. where are my open doors? where is my ladder of success?

it does seem that my life so far have been a series of bad decisions made from bad advise and imperfect knowledge.

i am ken.