broken

8 weeks since i sat at my dad's bedside and watch him slip away. It was such a whole cascade of emotions buried in the whirlwind of things that needed to be done.

He was laboring to breath for the last 2 days. He stopped breathing around 1130 pm. I was getting ready to be with him through the night, with a book in hand. I was shocked to see his chest no longer rising and falling.

I called the nurses and then my brothers. Then i stood there, just looking at him. My dad, going.

I wasn't very nice to him the last few months. I was so stressed up by life and he was being more difficult. He wanted more money, wanted to rest more. I didn't understand. I think he knew, and he was in pain. He just wanted to eat what he liked to eat, and go where he wanted to see again.

His heart beat on till after midnight. Strong and defiant. As usual.

After that we launched into action and made the arrangements.

Hearing from his friends, of all the good he did. Of all the kindness he spread. Unknown to us, to his family. I almost couldn't take it. How could we not known and kept on blaming him for the tough times we went through. How it must have hurt him.

Devastated. Why didn't we know..? Why didn't we talked to him more..?

Now, we are too late to be kind, to be with him, and to love him. 

As he did so to many others.

Mad Max

I tend towards negativity.
I tend to think the worst and react accordingly.
I tend to feel inadequate.
I tend to shy away from people, responsibilities, or new things.

It was worse.

I am already better, but someday i still feel that all i want to is sleep my life away.

I'm not ready for this world.

Good things have happened but yet at times, i still feel trapped and angry.

So tired.

it's a trap

being nice and easy most of the time, makes people think that i am ok with anything.
guess i don't make my stand enough.
often, i just accept it. deal with it. and move on.

now that i have an opinion, no one wants to listen and everyone wants their views to be heard.
it's not even your thing thing. it's only by the way, your thing.

shit home. shit family situation. i can't get out of..yet.
i do want to get away and never come back. all kinds of fucked up getting worse.

why should i even bother?

you say i am the type to not settle down.

it's simply because my family, my home is fucked up. all kinds of fucked up assholes of different types. all kinds of stupid. i probably sunk 80% of my income so far into the family with nothing in return. with nothing to show for. all because they are all fucking useless retards.
for years i have been the only one with some sort of stable income, and that's when i was coaching. the other "abled bodies" were just being lazy chee byes.

now i try to create something and build a future, everything is still so hard. and then i am shown, why i DO NOT want to get close to people called "family", wanting their say in things that do not need to be their problem.

just frustrated and stuck.

not been spending on myself for so long. tell you i want to travel, you just shut me down.

really.

you want what you want.
and that's not me, or my happiness, or our happiness.

i am not good enough for you. i am not rich enough for you.
you choose. you decide.

i'm tired.
have not been myself.
have not been able to be myself.
no one knows who i really am.
i don't know who i am either.

back at it

once again SAD hits me.

been relatively fine for quite some years, learning to deal with life and the shit it throws. this year, for whatever reasons, i know that the familiar feeling is back.

need to take it easy and just have some me time to find me.

rut

some days ain't worth shit.

been a long break from blogging, i hope no one was waiting for something..haha..

urbanathlon 17 was a disaster. trained well enough, had a good run, pushed through the pain and doubts, fell at the last obstacle and broke my leg. out for a good 5 months.

slowly getting back to exercising and finding it much tougher than i remembered. getting too old for this shit.

so many things are better in life. yet so many other aspects are falling apart at the seams. held on my tiniest of threads.

wishes and dreams, what are they worth in times like these?
principles and morals, what else do they cost?

simple wish, yet astoundingly, out of reach.

pushing

today is a good day.

completed the urbanathlon, with less training than i intended.

it was great. leading up to it, i did only about 60% of the trainings i had planned. i was mentally prepared to suffer through the race, and indeed. it was punishing and i am still suffering for it, but i am glad i did it. my arm is still injured and could not really climb the monkey bar thing, but i went through them.

my pace was mush slower than i usually do, but it was hot and freaking long. have not done anything more than 10km in some years, and my trainings are usually maxed out at 6. very glad that i did not give up. not one obstacle.

then after showering and hydrating, i went to archery training. shot a measly 40 plus arrows, but that is more than the day before. in the humid weather, just having finished a race. i felt i was nuts. and i loved it.

staying strong and do what needs to be done. then going on to do what i want to do to achieve something.

it's a good day today.

feeling it

today i keep getting pounded by a sad revelation.

can't stay focus at work. can't carry as much things as i used to.
went to run and workout. can't do pull up due to injury. can't do much sit ups cause i'm weak/old.
mom picked up her notebook to answer dad's call.

limp minds and weak limbs
growing old and degraded
oh what lousy fate

no wonder people of past eras, do not live pass certain age. for some, it's simply not worth living.